Consider the title the content warning. It’s all about pain.
Feel warned enough?
Okay. *deep breath; squares shoulders*
Yesterday I experienced a terrifying moment where simply attempting to stand up from a crouch hurt so badly I was momentarily blinded. It was in the backyard of our apartment building, and Jon and I were taking Kizu for her
midday morning walk. I was literally just crouching to pick up after the pup – attempting to stand back up initiated a whoosh of pain so severe I couldn’t breathe for a millisecond. When the pain increased as I tried to return to the crouch, rather than subsiding, I cried out for help from Jon. He was about 10 yards away, and I had to repeat myself because it hurt too badly for me to even think of raising my voice.
Yeah. That bad.
And I keep on thinking about that. That there was a level of, or kind of, pain where my brain was so shut down, I could not scream.
That’s scary, you know?
I remember the first time I herniated a disc. That feeling of being stabbed in the back. I ended up kneeling in the tub, repeating “Oh my god, stop, stop, oh my god, stop.” But my voice was loud and strong at the beginning, only tapering as the pain continued at the same level. Therefore I knew that if someone had been close by from whom I could request help, I could have called out. Also, I wasn’t blinded by the pain. I could see where to place my hand to give myself support.
In the park I needed desperately to lean on something and had no idea where to go. Jon heard me at the second “help” and came to support me, but for that split second I was freaking out.
I honestly never knew there was a state of pain where one’s senses turned off, but you retained consciousness. I am hoping that I’ll be able to forget it.
It took me until around 9 pm to return to my standard “I’m in constant low-level pain” state. Even with taking double the amount of pain medication I normally took. And it was absurd to feel such a huge surge of gratitude when the label said 1-2 pills every 6 hrs instead of 1 pill every 6.
It’s been interesting, this past week, to be off my fish oil and valerian regimen and to see exactly how much pain that was covering up. I figured there would be a little masking, but this much?
It has me REALLY looking forward to my surgery on Thursday.