Day 180, with simultaneous fear and joy

This freaking world is both terrifying and hopeful. I posted this on Facebook, but figure it’s worth repeating publicly.

CN: discussion of quarantine
Also, this is long, so if you don’t have the bandwidth to read a lot, skip to the 3rd pgph from the bottom.
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I did the math and noted that today it is 180 days since I went into quarantine. Since March 12th, I’ve been out of the house (that is, for more than just a brief dog-walk when Jon couldn’t do it) only four times –

1) to Costco during their “senior and immune-compromised” hours (wow did we regret that, bloody seniors getting in our faces even when we were backing away),
2) to the highest point in my city, during the way-late hours of the evening, to see if we could see comet NEOWISE (we couldn’t, and after 10 minutes I ended up going back to the car because I couldn’t see people to avoid them),
3) across the city to drop off a housewarming package to a friend who just moved and whose old landlord had thrown away all her stuff,
4) to a dog beach where I assumed I might have to stay in the car and just look at the water, but everyone there was social distancing and the vast majority were wearing masks. (We still only stayed for 2 hrs.)

But I’ve also been vaguely freaked out just going around the apartment, since our upstairs neighbor (with whom we share a foyer and a basement) doesn’t mask or social distance when she goes out to chat with the garbage pickup folks – or, for that matter, when she chats with us. I love her, but it’s kinda scary.

It’s weird to live at this level of paranoia, where even our own doorknobs, even our trash cans, are suspect. I wear gloves every day to change out the “cold drinks” cooler and snacks bin we leave out for delivery folks, because these folks are risking their lives every day and it’s literally the least we can do, but I worry because we ran out of disinfectant for the drinks themselves. I wonder: am I asymptomatic? Am I endangering folks more by doing this?

Then I look out the window and see folks walking around our neighborhood with no masks, and I realize I am doing my best in a world where people are fucking selfish (and racist and ableist and and and). I see so many of my friends and family doing their best in the face of nightmarish conditions where meeting their basic needs is so fraught that they can’t do it without massive work on their part (and yknow there are a LOT of them), and I think…

It’s come to this. The empathetic vs the self-absorbed, in a fight for how to live.

That said, that fight is less one-sided than I thought. Sure, I’ve got a bubble I’m living in, but honestly it’s a pretty freaking big bubble, and the folks within it are fierce and strong and steadfast.

Folks who are struggling? You give me hope. You give me more fight. Because even when you rant or feel badly, you remind me that yes, there are a LOT of people who care deeply about the world we live in.

So to my friends who are fighting, struggling, flailing, just trying to figure out how to be and breathe in this world…

Thank you. I love you. Keep fighting. If you need something I can give, I’ve got you.

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