Day 147, with… well, everything.

CW: pandemic, explosions, death, chronic illness

One of the aspects of this timeline I’m struggling with right now is having to hold multiple intense emotions at once. The multiple horrors here in America, pandemic-related and too many others. The horrific explosions in Beirut. India’s rising COVID numbers.

But someone’s suing the NRA. Protests are not stopping, not in Oregon and not here (thankyouthankyou). Zimbabwe is rising against Mnangagwa. Michelle Obama is normalizing pandemic depression. I’m seeing stigmas fought on so many axes.

At home, I have to write. I have to work. I can’t go anywhere. I am required to depend upon people who are being mistreated, or become terribly ill. I’m having a difficult time concentrating. The storm season is making my body ache much worse than usual. I had a nasty flashback two days ago due to a story I read, and I’m having a tough time recovering from it because I don’t have my usual resources.

But I am on staycation. Hanging out in my front yard was surprisingly delightful, watching the ordinary birds do their ordinary things after they got used to us. I’ll do more of that later today.

It’s not “one emotion per paragraph,” either. Each thing has at least one ferocity in my heart and throat; some have many. There is so so much to talk about and raise up and…

It’s a work. It’s a hard, hard work.

I am sending so much love to people who are sharing this struggle, and gratitude to those who are bulldozing through it.

Day 136, with both Freedom and Unfreedom

CW: pandemic, fascism, kidnapping, sexual abuse

This was going to be a post about feeling freed from a long burden. About the moment where you know, really deep in your gut know, that your abuser can never, ever touch you again. That kind of freedom. But given that people in Portland Oregon are being snatched off the street by unidentified people in unmarked cars and not being Mirandized or given their rights to a call?*

I mean, holy fuck. I can’t talk about freedom from my horrors in that context. That’s both the nightmare I used to have about my abusers** and the stuff you watch in spy movies about dictatorships or unstabilized countries.

We’re officially an unstabilized country. Not just unofficially, ‘we sweep it under the rug’ unstabilized. Everyone knows, now.

That First Amendment was first for a reason. If the highest office in the country is not honoring that, we can basically wipe our asses with the rest of the Constitution, because it’s all going to be at his whim.

.

.

* I know this happened for marginalized folk and asylum seekers before now, and I am so sorry I didn’t truly recognize that until 44.5 got in.

** Not just a ‘bad dreams’ nightmare, but an actual discussion I would have with certain friends. Friends with guns. To make sure there was someone who could try to find me if it did happen. That’s how bad the PTSD was.

Day 100, and holy CRAP

8.5 million cases worldwide. 2.2M in the US.

Well over 450K dead. 120K of which are in the US.

We’ve been seeing spikes because of Memorial Day weekend openings.

Because people couldn’t wait. Let alone mask.

Protests continue for the fourth weekend. Confederate statues and portraits are coming down. But people are guarding others. With guns.

Juneteenth was celebrated nationally yesterday. It has become a state holiday in many states, including New York. But racism still abounds in many places.

Breonna Taylor’s murderer was fired but no charges have yet been filed. She was murdered the same day we started quarantine here, and still no charges.

I am truly, deeply hoping that justice comes, and comes with her sword.

Day 86, with # Black Lives Matter

This thing, which should not even be a contentious statement, is the reason for the full week of massive protests here in Philadelphia, in America, and even the world. I support all the BLM protesters under all conditions.

ALL conditions.

….

If you are reading this and the statement Black Lives Matter is somehow uncomfortable to you, ask yourself:

“Why would someone feel an intense need to assert that their life matters in this country? And why would they believe I don’t think that their lives matter?”

And fucking sit with that.

If you can’t see it, you’re deliberately not looking.

If you finally see it?

Read “White Fragility” by Robin DiAngelo and realize this is not even the tip of the iceberg: this is a white woman’s perspective and she doesn’t even break ground on this; this is the easiest possible starting place. Then go read “So You Want to Talk About Race” by Ijeoma Oluo.

Realize that these two books are just the start of a VERY long life of unlearning the unconscious bias that has been fed to you.

Then read everything on the Schomburg Center Black Liberation Reading List.

If you’re on Twitter and you follow Black people like Bree Newsome Bass or Charles M. Blow or Imani Gandy, don’t reply! Just freaking read. Just listen. It does not matter if you think they’re wrong.

No, really, it doesn’t. They’ve lived through a lot more than you have in this regard.

And for the love of all that is holy, stop giving Shaun King money until he actually finishes something he’s started.

New Moon Rant – v1

CN: this is about the virus.

Some people say that humans are all relatively similar on a base level Рthat we all want the same things. Survival, safety, love, belonging, pleasure, self-esteem. That we can understand each other better if we understand that. Maslow, Grawe, Gagn̩ and so so many more Рpsychologists have delved into this in detail for ages.

What I’m realizing with great clarity right now is that the definition of the terms seriously matters.

Right now, a lot of people across the world are fighting for survival. Literally millions of people. And right beside them are people trying to help them survive.

And then there are the people who say that wearing a mask, or social distancing, is “living with fear” and so they won’t do it.

Now I get that some people can’t breathe with a mask or have health issues that make this difficult. I’m not talking about those folks. I’m also not talking about the hoaxers. Those poor people are either massively deceived or brainwashed or both*.

I’m talking about folks who believe masks should be optional. That social distancing should be optional. That they should be able to go anywhere they want without a mask and other people can wear masks if they’re so scared, because they’re not going to live in fear.

…. um.

Now I’m not scared of the world; I’m scared of THEM.

Because honest to every freaking god there is, SHOULDN’T we be AFRAID TO KILL PEOPLE? Even accidentally? Isn’t that what morality is about?

I seriously can’t anymore.

.

*Cmon I’m giving people the benefit of the doubt here.

Day 63, with Allergies

4th day of allergic sniffle-snuffle tearstreamingTM, all while sitting inside the house.

Yet ANOTHER annoying thing about this quarantine is that if I’m gonna swell enough to look like the Claymation version of myself, I’d like to be able to be out in the pollen-swept airs of spring. Even if it made me worse, at least I’d be able to touch the new leaves and the rising saps. Pfeh.

Not gonna go out, of course. Claritin and me are gonna be BFFs for the next little while, and I think I can convince myself I’m not gonna die and there’s gonna be another spring.

Now if only other people in this world didn’t struggle to make that less likely for our more vulnerable populations. grr.

Day 49, with End-of-April vibes

Wow, it’s the end of April already.

CW: commentary on the state of the world.

. . . um, some *enthusiastic* commentary.

So yeah. Almost two entire months of staying inside 90% of the time, masks for the other 10%, and working entirely from home.

On the one side, I have to say I am really delighted with my work team, and how generous folks are with each other, and how folks have stepped up to take on work they wouldn’t normally do. How free they are with compliments and help and support. I’d seen hints of it before, but you really get a sense of who folks are when in the middle of crisis. I am really proud of being on this team.

On the other hand, the world. Oh gods, the WORLD WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS EVERYTHING ON FIRE AND WHY IS THAT ORANGE GIBBON* OVER THERE USING A SUPER-SOAKER OF LIGHTER FLUID ON EVERYONE WHYYY

This is a fucker of a virus and everything I see about it is terrifying. The people – even doctors! – who want to treat it like it is equivalent to a seasonal flu are boggling… I mean, sure, the flu is dreadful and it kills a lot of people but usually that’s over the course of 5 months, not 2. The death rate since we’ve been tracking is pretty berserk, globally.

aaaaand that has me pretty messed up. Like, sure I can go on and do all the things but I’ve got brain splinters poking me in the back of the eyes kinda messed up.

I personally know 7 people who think they’ve gotten it, so far. One’s been confirmed, and it was dicey for a bit, but she’s moved out of the ICU today, thanks to all gods.

She’s significantly younger than me. So yeah, I’m worried for people.

Tomorrow, it’s May. We’ll be officially 1/3rd through 2020.

Crap.

* no I don’t mean Gritty get his name outa yer mouf.

Day 43, with Anniversary and Work-based Failure

I’m not gonna talk about Russia’s new 5k, or Lysol having to issue a disclaimer about something the President of the United States said during a press conference*.

This post is a wee summary of a personal good and personal bad on the same day.

First, I have been struggling to get an update to one of my work products out the door. For like six months. It has been broken differently every single step of the way. And I thought we had it, but when the build was sent out yesterday? Everything crashed on my test device. It was a brand new device, too, so nothing to conflict with the app.

I was … surprisingly crushed. Sick-feeling. Tearing up. Like… it’s just an app. Built on a major platform. Why is it taking so incredibly long to build it and make it work? It USED to work.

Sheesh I’m tearing up just thinking about it. Six months wasted. And today was supposed to be the day we finally shared some progress with the rest of the community. Instead I had to write them all that there was a blocker and it was pushed to next week. (If it gets fixed, that is. Sigh.)

On the flip side?

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day Jon and I actively decided to be a couple**. Which isn’t a big thing, but it’s nice to have the marker. Makes for some extra happy kisses in the morning.

I’m hanging on to that, for dear life, this morning.

*I mean, Jesus fucking Christ what the hell timeline is this? Ionesco meets Palahniuk or something?

**There are not many things I’m Leslie Knope-ish about, but romantic anniversaries are one of them. But I promise – I don’t do the berserk giftie thing.