Early Morning, Last Day

7:15 am here in Houston. I’ve been up for a few hours – gave up on sleep around 5 am. I’m listening to the gentle rain outside as the windows’ gray goes pale, and I’m enjoying the feeling of humid, chilly air on my bare feet.

I’m feeling both peaceful and scared, right now. Weird to have those feelings side by side, top to bottom, one low in the belly and one centered in the diaphragm.

Trying to be with the fear is tough. I find I keep distracting myself by focusing on the slursh of cars driving by in the rain. Engine mrr, small puddle, deep puddle, and fade. Breathe, baby, breathe (I keep telling myself). Holding the breath in the face of fear is a common thing I do.

And being with the fear when another part of me is peaceful? Extra tough.

I don’t have any answers or pithy summaries for this post.

Just a moment in time. Being. Entering my last day of 2016.