The list of weird.
Otherwise known as a FAQ equivalent.
Q. Who are you??
A. Caterpillar, that’s what the About page is for. Otherwise, you can just get RIGHT OUT. (Side note: The Alice-In-Wonderland caterpillar and I have a contentious relationship. The White Rabbit and Cheshire Cat, though? We’re TIGHT. Like THAT. *crosses fingers*)
Q. Dude. I don’t know if you know this, but you’re seriously weird. Do you know this?
A. Why, yes! Thank you!!
Q. You do know that wasn’t meant as a compliment, right?
A. Well, we can’t all be blessed with perspective. *pats you gently on the shoulder*
Q. Why should I be reading you?
A. If you’re even asking that question, then you shouldn’t be. You should be off reading The Bloggess or Wil Wheaton’s blog or hell, maybe Drudge Report – how the hell should I know? I don’t even know you!*
Q. I like what I’ve read! Will you link to my blog?
A. No clue. If I like what I read, then hell yes.
Q. What’s with all the footnotes/endnotes? Are you trying to be David Foster Wallace/Susannah Clarke/[insert other auteur here]?
A. No, I’m mostly trying not to bore you to tears with ten gazillion asides. In case you haven’t noticed, I leave a lot of them in because I believe they might be entertaining in context. But I make a concerted effort not to include more than one segue per paragraph.
I often fail.
Also, I don’t write my fiction like that. That would be a NIGHTMARE of organization.**
Q. What did [insert post here] actually mean?
A. I try not to be cryptic but occasionally I have to be. If you read a cryptic post just believe it isn’t about you.
Q. You deleted my comment!
A. I delete anything that either a) makes no sense or b) involves you being a dick.
Q. You’re a [insert political diatribe here]!
A. … Um, Don’t care! *flush* Rep or Dem, Con or Lib, I really don’t care. There are pluses and minuses to all.
Q. You’re perpetuating [insert assertion of my racism/classism/homophobia]!
A. It wouldn’t surprise me. I want to be an ally, but I do fuck up. Send me an email and let’s talk about what I said that triggered your response.
Q. [insert sexual comment or sexual violence threat here]
A. I need you to know that I WILL mock you, and publicly… ’cause like, dude, I’m too old for that shit.
* Apologies, international and of-color friends, for the overtly white American answer. They were the first entertainment blogs I could think of.
** I recognize the race, class, and ability privilege I have in being able to say this without worrying I’ll be judged for being lazy.